guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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