I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
