I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
