Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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