Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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