I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
