Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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