apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
