he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
