I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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