When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
