An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
