I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
