she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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