hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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