Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
