Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I died a long time ago.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
