There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
there is puke in my bra ... again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
