I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
