im six kinds of drunk right now
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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