I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
