my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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