She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
