This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
This toilet bowl is my home.
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