Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
