I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
