you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
