well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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