who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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