plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
