Since when is my name a synonym for head?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
