cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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