Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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