Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
