proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she told me i tasted like america
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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