my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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