I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
