my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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