Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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