how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
should my penis look like a turkey
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
