Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
