I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
