This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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