Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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