all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
