i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
