She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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