I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
