You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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