i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
